A Rose by Any Other Name...

         We come through so many things in life. Or should I say : A lot of us go through a lot of crap?? I can't speak for anyone else, but my childhood put a lot more on my shoulders than any kid ought to have had to carry. Molestation...addiction...dysfunction in the home. It's sad, to think about. 
     I learned from different people in my early childhood that I had more than one name. I was born Afi Mariama ...translation...Spiritual Gift of God. Yet, I was told and shown that I was cheap...only worth what amusement, pleasure of product I could give. My name was Low Priority, Overly Sensitive, Spoiled, Nothing. But, thankfully, I'm not as burdened with the weight of my past as I used to be. I have been learning more and more that I'm a rose...no matter what people have said to the contrary over the years.
     One of the most difficult things to learn in life is to know, accept and love ourselves for who we are, what we are, and where we are. I know I'm not alone here. Many of us have been lied to. We've been lied to by parents who were too emotionally sick to do any better and who taught us that we're worthless, common, stupid, ugly, pitiful, hateful and useless. We've been lied to by school mates who convinced us that we were too weird...not welcomed, unacceptable because of something as trivial as the nose  or pimples on our faces and the clothes on our backs. Some of us have been lied to by various teachers...who said...we just aren't cut out to be scholars, A students, good learners...intelligent. Others of us were lied to by spouses who convinced us that who we were and/or are wasn't and/or isn't  good enough and never will be... that we are in someway unloveable at our core. We've even been lied to by the media which continues to show us images of frail..."ethereal" (and I think famished) looking people who are airbrushed, silicone tempered, weaved up to "perfection." How do we combat voices and messages like these? How do we see beauty, value, uniqueness and brilliance in the face of what we've learned and been told all these years?

      I picture a person standing in front of a rose...or a lotus...or a lily shouting, "You're so ugly! you're so stupid! You're so ignorant! You don't have anything to offer...nothing to give...you're worthless!" I imagine the rose continuing to stand...to be fragrant...to bloom. Today, I'm certain that no matter how I was treated in my childhood, my adolescence, or my adult life that I have a name that describes who I am perfectly. Actually it's a perfect description for all of us...Spiritual Gift of God. We truly are all spiritual gifts from God ...to one another. We may have learned somewhere along the line that something is wrong with us...that we don't deserve to be called beautiful, bright, light and life filled creations of God. But we have to know and remember that being called out of our name doesn't change who and what we are. A rose is still a rose...even if some one calls it a toad.
     The remedy, tool, resource...practice for remembering that we are invaluable, radiant, gorgeous and special is to simply stand and to bloom. To be. When thoughts, old voices, or new ones come and tell us what we're not...we continue to be who and what we are. Don't be afraid...at least not so afraid that you crumple. And know, too, that you're not standing alone...

Prayer for the Journey:

Let us in all situations remember what and who we are. Let us find strength and courage to stand, shine, grow, and give of ourselves despite the naysayers, hurtful messages and painful memories of our pasts. Above all let us remember that where we are weak, God is strong. Where we are failing God's life and work succeeds in us! Let us keep with us the knowledge that we are not alone!

So I've been reflecting on the whole concept of us being "either/or" as opposed to "both/and." I'll expand on this.

In our society in and out of various communities and social circles...in our media, families, churches, schools and so on...there's a common belief that things, people and circumstances can only be one thing or the other. If we are student's we're either good, bad, or average. We're either pretty or ugly...fat or thin...good or bad...in or out. We're on our way to heaven or hell, strong or weak, positive or negative.

Yet, I understand things differently. For me, the idea is: We are created to be complex combinations of any and all of these things. I wrote a poem that I think will clarify this idea a little better.

Here I am face to face with all of my insecurities.
I'm posturing for myself and others and saying to myself that I'm either all or none of what I imagine myself to be:
I'm a writer/ No I'm not!
I'm a good leader/ A sad excuse for one.
I'm a great parent/I've ruined my children.
I'm beautiful/I'm ugly.
I'm a good worker/ A lazy moocher.
Schizophrenic thinking. I just want to pick a side and stick to it and to be either: black, red, blue, green or white.
There's no room for blended hues...pink, grey, blue, purple, indigo, or orange.
There's no such thing as being universal and Christian.
Faithful/and adaptable.

We can't not indulge and indulge at the same time...
Be chaste and sexual beings...
Be women and intelligent...
Be Men and sentimental...
Black and beautiful...
Rich and compassionate.
We have to pick one because that's the way of the world...right?

We get all these messages telling us to be individuals...to be ourselves.
But only if we pick a side. If we fit in. If we march to the same drummer other groups of individuals are marching to.

So we conform:
We wear their clothes,
Speak their language,
Go to their schools,
Put on their facepaint,
Master their expressions,
Pick up their mannerisms...
We even suppress our own truths so that we can understand and live someone else's.

To really be authentic...to be any and all of who we are is scary.
Lonely.
Hard.
Sometimes painful.

But it's okay not to fit in.
It's okay to be different in many ways...
To be a melange of colors.
To bend and sway until we touch the ground...
Because we're here...

We're here.
And although we can transform, evolve, and grow,
We can't change who we are...that we are.
What we can do is love our, imperfect, pluralistic selves anyway.

Prayer For the Journey:

Today, may we find the love in our hearts to accept our imperfect selves just as we are. May we reach deep and touch the heart of our purpose and be courageous enough to walk in it.

Healing the Wounds of Racism

     I had quite an experience over this last week. I met with some youth from both the Fall River and the Marshall Congregations for an overnight Confirmation retreat.  First off I have to say that the retreat went very well! I was impressed with the youth’s willingness and ability to express the intimate details of their lives, their thoughts and their beliefs.

      I learned quite a bit about their family background and history as we shared our stories over pizza, popcorn and other such snacks. Sadly, I wasn't surprised to discover there were some who had already been through a lot of trauma. Others who hadn’t experienced much turbulence, also  shared their understanding of life and family. It turned out to be a uniting of hearts in which everyone found support in and through our differences.

      More specifically, on the second day, as we talked about compassion and justice, (a couple of ways we follow Christ), someone brought up Trayvon Martin. It was as if a wildfire started and everyone began to voice their concern and their thoughts about the death of Trayvon Martin and the obvious racial implications connected with it. They talked about the injustice of the situation. How wrong it was that a young man, seventeen years old, had been shot simply for being browns skinned...for "looking dangerous."  Our conversation quickly turned to racism and the outh began telling specific ways they'd seen or experienced racism. I have to say that these children all live in small towns in rural WI. They are all Caucasian, and have not had first hand experience with what it feels like to be judged by the color of their skin. Yet they had  much to contribute. They had heard friends  and family say things. Some of them admitted having said things themselves. 

      Probably the most intense and emotional conversation for the group was when one young woman shared that her grandmother, mother, father and brother (all of whom are members of the church) refer to African American people as “niggers,” and have a generally low opinion of them. She let the group know, in speaking directly with me, that part of the reason they had stopped coming regularly to church is because I’m an African American woman.

     While this wasn’t something that was surprising, it was unexpectedly personal and was deeply painful to hear. It was, and is, sad. To simply say I had an emotional reaction isn't just. What happened as I listened to her story...is that I realized that once again I was being rejected, judged, shunned, laughed at, scorned and despised. I felt, not rage, shame, hatred, or spite as I had many times before...but grief. I simply grieved. I grieved for the fact that we, humanity, thousands of years after our creation are still imprisoned by fear. It was an ancient experience....bubbling up from somewhere inside of my DNA. It smelled like the inside of the Dashur pyramids...dusty, dry, acrid, yet so permanent...so aged. Something inside of me shifted. And all at once it was like the dam that had been holding all of the tears of my ancestors broke. We have all grieved the loss of love, community, freedom and acceptance. Some of us grieved even as we fought, died, pushed on...tears coming from this deep, old fount of memory began to fall. It was more than sad... it was tragic.

    
     I allowed myself a moment, but what I needed was a million moments. How could I contain the flowing river pouring itself through my eyes? I won't say I didn't try, but I will say it didn't work. I couldn't stop weeping. Even after the tears stopped...my soul still cried.
     What I was most grateful for, though, was the opportunity to air out the old wounds. Although it grieved me, I understood that the way to healing is through the dirt, the pain, the smelly and ugly wound that racism is. I understand that if we don't acknowledge this we will continue to suffer. She felt quite bad, (I believe they all did) about what she shared. I was able to let them know that despite the difficulty and sadness in discussing racism, that I was glad that she had shared that with me and the group. It takes a lot of courage to talk about our experiences with oppression of any sort whether oppressor or oppressed. We took a liberty that morning and talked about it. We stood up that day and began washing the wound. 

     There's so much more to be said on this. I want to share my journey after the retreat too (that's another post...or a book), but for today I'll let go by saying, the meeting over the weekend has helped me to understand that although we as human beings struggle on either end of all sorts of oppression, such as racism, that we are all victims. I understood that as much right as I have to seek revenge, retribution, or to retaliate in some way, there's a greater obligation to seek opportunities for growth and healing for our human race. In doing this we foster, nurture and give way to the gift of healing through reconciliation and love. 

     I am in no way saying that I don’t believe in confronting or calling out oppression when I see it. I am committed, in fact, to speaking the truth of what my experience is in love. I am committed to educating and uncovering the truth to and with those who are insistent that racism no longer plagues our world, country, churches, schools, and communities. Yet, in the depth of my being,  I believe that if racism is ever to be healed. That it requires us to, in acknowledging its presence, face it and to work together, supporting one another in airing out the wounds it has caused. This means having conversations in which we are vulnerable, transparent, willing and open to sharing and learning from our stories. Ultimately, for me, it means  making the choice at the end of the day to love regardless of how difficult or painful that may be. 

Prayer for the Journey:

As we continue to work toward becoming a more loving race, I pray that we would each find peace in distress, comfort in our grieving and courage in the face of fear. 

    

I'm So Glad Now!

Hello fellow bloggers, readers and lovers of life! It's been a while since my last post. Over the last few weeks life's pace picked up quite a bit. I went before a board and interviewed to be eligible for ordination (and passed!) I have been studying diligently. I've been concentrating on being a concerned, engaged and proud parent, and also serving two congregations. (WHEW!) Just writing it down makes me a little tired honestly.

Seriously, though, as I was drawn deeper and deeper into the demands placed on my time, heart and mind I started thinking about how glad I'll be when... I was saying to myself, "I'll be so glad when I'm through this interview...school...parenting." Have you ever done that? Well when I realized that I was thinking this way, I mentioned it in conversation with a friend who immediately replied, "You say that as if when you finish all of those things...you'll have nothing else to take up space on your plate." We both had a great laugh about that.

The truth is that no matter how much we want to get through the current thing we're doing there will always be another thing to do. It's life. We'll be facing challenges, walking the walk and doing the footwork as long as we are alive. Understanding this truth helps us to breathe...and to take in the blessings that the current moment provides for us.

This isn't always easy to do, but when I tried it, slowing down and living in the moment I realized that I actually love my classes. I enjoy the conversation and the assignments that cause me to grow and to think critically about my faith. I love being a mom. It's fun to get to know my kids and to support them when and where they need it, even when it's challenging to do. I realized that it's really fulfilling for me to meet new people and work with the community. I'd hate to think what I'd do if I wasn't involved. Living in the moment isn't so bad. In fact it's wonderful.

Have you ever had a huge project/assignment due? Have you ever felt like an obligation you had in life was so huge that all you wanted was just to get through it? After reading this you can know two things:

1. You're not alone.

2. It's okay to breathe and enjoy or find meaning in even the most daunting challenges.

Prayer for the Journey:

I pray today that as you work through challenges, rise to meet obligations and walk through daily life that you will be reminded ...gently, to breathe and to be aware of the blessing that each moment of life offers.

Love Makes A Difference

I watched an episode of Law and Order which illustrated quite well the very sensitive issue of the death penalty. In it, a young man only eighteen years old was on trial for brutally murdering someone. The jury was responsible for determining whether or not he should be put to death for his crime. In essence they were determining if his life was worth living. His lawyer pled the case that at eighteen no one is the same as they will be at 50. He suggested that none could determine how he might or might not change given the chance to live out his life and that none of the jurors could honestly make a claim to make such a claim.

Would his death be more beneficial to our society and the world than his death? Was he capable of being anything more than a psychopathic killer? Throughout the show he’d been depicted as a total villain…a truly unlovable, scary and menacing character. Yet as the episode drew to a close the jury did indeed find him worthy of death. His mother who loved him dearly and believed his life worthy of saving, despite his crime, shocked all of the people in courtroom by shouting out in grief. She was pleading and begging with gut wrenching cries for the jury not to kill her son. Her child, who in her eyes was too young and too good to be put to death. Yet the decision to put him to death hung in the air like a thick cloud. Everyone in the courtroom was visibly moved - shaken...even the wife of the man who’d been murdered. The final scene showed the weight of the decision made on behalf of the people to kill an eighteen year old boy.

After watching this episode I found myself deeply saddened and troubled. Although I knew that the show was fictional, I also knew that there have been many real cases in which all sorts of people, young and old, have been put to death for crimes committed and some despite their innocence. I applaud the producer, writers and actors of this episode for so perfectly depicting the very real emotions (…fear, anger, grief and even confusion…) the issue of the death penalty brings to light.

There are many stories of people who have committed horrible crimes, for instance, senseless murders, rapes, and sexual and physical abuses. Perhaps what we’d really like to see is all of this ugliness be wiped from the face of the earth. We want it done quickly and easily while we politely look the other way, but in my heart I don’t believe that any of us honestly can. Yet because we fear the darkness, and the inexplicable capacity of another human being to destroy we find comfort in attempting to extinguish the evil we feel we can identify. Do any of us as human beings ever have the right to exterminate the life of another simply to assuage our fears or to say that a person is beyond redemption? Who knows what interaction -a spoken word, a piece of writing, a t.v. show, might at any time make a soul shaking impact during their lives?

It’s probably evident that I don’t believe the death penalty is something we have the right to invoke upon one another. (I won't even go into my spiel about it not really solving anything.) Above all my fears, judgment and other such darkness within, I recognize and understand that we are all divinely created, even those of us who commit terrible crimes against humanty. Each of our lives is a precious gift. We each have the opportunity to lead by example.

I don’t have all of the answers. I’m not convinced that any of us do. If we study the great teachers and spiritual leaders like Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King and countless others from every age and place on the globe  we find that there is no guaranteed quick fix. Yet they each offer us a sure solution. Love. Here we get to the source…love. It’s the most powerful transformative agent/force there is. “It’s like Martin Luther King Junior’s quote, “Darkness cannot drive out
darkness, only light can do that….hate cannot drive out hatred…only love can do that.”  The cure for depravity, indifference, isolation and disconnection, is love. The solution to murder, racism, sexism, classism and other such dividing forces in our world is love. It’s love that urges the families of murder victims to plead the case of life for the murders of their loved ones. It’s love that enables victims of racism, or sexism to repeatedly open their hearts, homes and lives to the very people who have abused and mistreated them.

It’s also love that breaks through the barriers of pain, confusion, anger/rage, distance and despondency of even the most hardened men and women. It chips away at the foundations of the walls they've built around themselves until cracks begin to run through them and they come tumbling down. No one is untouchable. No one is above or beneath it.

This kind of love is never offered in vain. I believe that this is the sort of love that Jesus offers to all. It’s the sort of love that we now have the chance to offer others. And it’s the kind that really and truly makes a difference.

Prayer for the Journey:
Today I pray for humanity. That we will find all the ways we possibly can to see, hear, touch and understand one another in love.

Life is a Process

There are times when we just want what we want, when we want it. I don't know about any one else, but for me, those are usually times when I'm having a tantrum. I want what I want right now! Perhaps not the most flattering statement about myself, but true.
I'm not alone. We live in a "Now" society. One which promotes the idea of instant gratification at every turn. The best food recipes are those that are quick and easy. Weight loss can happen in two days and we can have better pecs, no wrinkles and super, white teeth in three! We can DVR our favorite shows with the added bonus of not having to sit through commercials. A good movie has no slow build up...and is action packed. If we break or tear something we immediately replace it...rather than taking the time to repair it.

Even so, something inside of me cringes at the thought of getting everything I want (and need) right now. Perhaps it's the underlying belief I have that, as my grandfather used to say, "Anything worth having is worth working/waiting for." Then too, it could be the small voice inside me that whispers, "It's not about getting what you want...it's about wanting what you have."

There are plenty of things I want in life that perhaps someday down the line would be nice to have. Yet, the things that matter most, happiness, peace of mind, healthy relationships with family and friends, are the things that add quality to life. They also happen to take considerable time to cultivate. I'm working on daily taking the time to appreciate what I have and to work on building, repairing and creating the those things I want and value. I'm willing, just for today, to remember that life is a process...not an event.

Prayer for the Journey:

I pray that each of us will give ourselves permission to slow down. God, help us to listen to the still small voice inside of us which guides us to make choices that bring us happiness, healing and peace. Let us be willing to enjoy the process of life so that we can appreciate what's happening in the moment.

Blessings!

Growing Together

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to work on our selves and why it's so important. Self work is all about growth. We take a good look at our weaknesses and strengths. We admit there is room for improvement and become willing to take steps that will lead us closer to it. Self work is holistic. It encompasses our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual selves which are all intricately woven together creating the beautiful tapestries that we are.

To be honest though, there are some occasions that I find digging around in the closet of my soul to be a painful experience. I unknowingly touch an open wound that I thought had already healed and end up face to face with deep pain. Or I suddenly find myself aware of an attitude or mindset that isn't very flattering and feel embarrassed. Yet, sometimes, I find things there that are surprising...A forgotten love like painting, dancing or taking walks in nature...that gently wafts across my being like a warm spring breeze. Most unexpected are the times when I uncover a strength. Those are the moments when I realize that a hurtful or difficult experience from the past has become a part of my foundation which enables me to stand even taller.

One thing that's becoming more apparent about self work to me as I go along is that we don't have to face ourselves alone. Our first and best resource is God! In remembering that no matter what our shortcomings or strengths God loves us, we can let go of the fear, shame and judgement around them. Another thing that I'm finding is that as we move forward on this transformative journey support comes from all sorts of places. Maybe we find it in an article we happen to read, in the caring embrace of a loved one or the gentle words of a stranger. Whatever the case we get the message that we're still lovable...acceptable...and that everything is going to work out just fine.

The best thing of all is that the stronger we become, the more we heal, and the deeper we dig, the more available we are to be a support for the next person. We become the shoulder that a friend or a stranger can cry on...we are the person who helps a friend remember to be gentle when they see something that needs work...We are the ones who support the healing that's happening! And just as the things that makes us up as individuals are woven together beautifully, as we welcome and support growth and love in one another...each of us joined together create an even more lovely and awesome piece of art!

Prayer for the Journey:

May we, each of us, tap into the support, love and willingness to dig deeper. Let us remember that everything we find is already accepted and loved by God. Let us find peace, comfort and strength as we continue to develop and grow in your God's Spirit. Amen.